last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
