drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
