I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
