She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
