I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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