Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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