What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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