dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
