Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
