I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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