he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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