she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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