I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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