I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Define "chronic" masturbator.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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