I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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