so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
