If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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