dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you traded sex for a burrito?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
