good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he was CRYING into my vagina
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
