Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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