Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
