ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
