turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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