i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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