I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
