I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
