i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize