how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
