good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
