i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
