I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
