Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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