every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
