My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
