u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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