There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i permit you to call me
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
