i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
