The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
