Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
