I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
