I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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