I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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