so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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