there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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