i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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