There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
