My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
