i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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