I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
