You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
