piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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