My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
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