I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
