It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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