The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
